Podcast

Ep. 119: Scene Value Shifts

In this episode, fellow Story Grid certified editor Jay Peters and I critique the beginning of “What Lives Beneath,” a short story by A.V. Herzberg. The author kindly shared a synopsis of the entire story, which allowed us to talk about how the global genre could be Obsession Love Story or Horror. Figuring out your global or main genre is important for lots of reasons, but it’s important to understand that genres implicate story values (in other words, the external change that happens from the beginning to the end of the story).

Jay and I talked about what the story values would be and then analyzed the scene in the submission, including how the scene changes from beginning to end. Then we talked about ways to strengthen the scene by bringing the scene value shift into closer alignment with that of the overall story.

This week’s editorial mission challenges you to compare the value shifts in your scene to see how they relate to your global story.

 Scene Value Shifts by Leslie Watts at Writership.com.

 

Listen to the Writership Podcast

 

About Our Guest Host

Clark is taking a well-deserved break from the podcast, so today we're joined by Jay Peters, a certified Story Grid editor based in Seattle, WA. You can find out more about Jay on his personal site, and you can follow his NaNoWriMo blog series here.

 

Wise Words on Story Events

A Story Event is a meaningful change in the life of the central character. And that change must be expressed as a polar value—life/death, lie/truth, cold/hot, strength/weakness, courage/cowardice, loyalty/betrayal, wisdom/stupidity, known/unknown etc.



All that Story Event implies is that something has to happen.



The scene begins someplace positive and ends negative, or begins negative and ends positive or begins positive and ends doubly positive or begins negative and ends doubly negative … It has to turn. Things have to be different at the end of the event than they were when it began.
— Shawn Coyne, author of The Story Grid

 

Mentioned on the Show

 

The Writership Index

Listeners have asked for an index of the podcast episodes and the topics discussed, so we've put together a Google spreadsheet containing details of each episode, its airdate, author name, story title, genre, story type, published location, author website, and topics discussed. Get access to the spreadsheet here.

 

Join the Writership Book Club!

Join now and you'll get access to a recording of October's meeting, in which we read stories from The Best Science Fiction and Fantasy of the Year, Volume 10 and analyzed them the way Leslie does for a Story Grid Diagnostic. You’ll also be able to join us for our next (online) meeting on November 16. Find out more at Patreon.

 

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Editorial Mission—Scene Value Shifts

To discover if the value shift in a scene is aligned with the value shift in your story, first consider what your genre is and the value change that occurs from the beginning to the end. (Not sure about the value? Access the genre-value-need table from episode 118).

Then read your scene closely to identify how the circumstances or characters change from the beginning to the end. Does the value change in the scene impact the main story value?

If it’s not connected at all, then consider whether you need the scene for some other reason? (Could the scene be shoe leather, meaning that it doesn’t really affect the protagonist’s pursuit of his or her goal?) If you do need the scene, revise it so that it turns on a value that is related to the main story value.

If you get stuck, leave a comment or write to me.

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Editing Advice to Our Author

Dear A. V.,

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us! This is a great setup with elements to make a powerful story. We love that you found inspiration in the Slavic mythology. Stories from different times and places create interest and evoke curiosity, which makes the reader more open to the controlling idea of a story. It’s a great way to innovate by telling a familiar story (a love story or horror story) that is also different (a unique setting). 

We looked at the synopsis and the elements of the story and concluded that you could easily choose Horror or Obsession Love Story as the global or main genre for your story. If we were working with you as a client, we would talk to your intention for the story so that we could eliminate some of the guesswork. We would ask about which aspect of the story is most fascinating to you, because it’s important to focus on one global genre, even if you include other subplots. 

One of the reasons deciding on the global genre is so important is that it determines the life value that describes the main change in the story from the beginning to the end. Let’s break that down a bit further. Stories are about how humans deal with change. If nothing changes in a story, then it’s not very interesting, and we put the book down or stop watching the movie. Genres relate to the nature of the change that occurs (internally or externally) as well as a particular human need that you can track according to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. (Compare this to sales categories, sometimes called genres, which refer to where your book would reside on the shelf in a book store.) To tell whether a story works, one of the things we do is track changes in the main story value across the entire story, and within the acts, sequences, and scenes. You have a short story, so you won’t have major sequences, but we would still look at what changes within the scenes and how it affects the main story value.

In an Obsession Love Story, Desire is the psychological driver, but we’re still on the value scale from Love to Hate. That means that within the love triangle you’ve crafted, each character would start somewhere on the full range of value that includes love and hate and end somewhere else on the range. The Great Gatsby is an example of an Obsession Love Story (and I’m pretty sure the Basic Instinct is as well). 

If you focused on the Horror story, you would be in the sub-genre dealing with the Supernatural (the force of antagonism comes from the spirit realm). The range of value in a Horror story is Life to Unconsciousness to Death to a Fate Worse than Death. So Mir, the apparent protagonist in the story, would start out with Life, but might move to Death or a Fate Worse than Death by the end of the story. 

To analyze a scene, we ask four preliminary questions: 

1. What are the characters literally doing in the scene? (We answer this question just like it sounds. We want to get at what’s happening on the surface.)

Mir is chopping wood and his friend Lubov comes by, but there is considerable tension between them. 

2. What is the essential action of what the characters are doing in the scene? We answer this question by looking at the subtext. What’s going on beneath the surface (an appropriate question in more ways than one for your story)? This takes into account what the characters are trying to accomplish in the scene. 

Mir is giving Lubov the cold shoulder. 

3. What are the life values that change in the scene? Here you can include any value that changes from the beginning of the scene to the end. 

  • Mir is tense without realizing it then becomes tense and being aware of it. 
  • Lubov goes from being a source of irritation to leaving. 
  • If Mir isn't aware of the death of the couple in the beginning, he is by the end of the conversation, in which case, the value could shift from ignorance to knowledge.

4. Which life value shift applies to or impacts the global story?

Mir is the POV character in this scene, so we would focus on the life value shift from his perspective. When we looked at this, we couldn’t identify a specific value that might apply to one of the potential Global Genres. Now it’s possible that we’re missing some subtext, and it doesn’t have to be on the nose (for example, if the value is Life to Unconsciousness to Death to a Fate Worse than Death, no one has to die or be knocked unconscious to have the value relate to the Global Genre, but as we discussed in the episode, the scene should represent a change that makes it more likely (or not) that Mir is going to die or face a fate worse than death. We talked about how confronting Lubov would encourage him to spring his trap for Mir, so that is an example of something that could bring him closer to death. 

Then we look at the Five Commandments of Storytelling:

1. Inciting Incident: This is the event that knocks the POV character’s life or world out of balance within the scene and causes the POV character to want and pursue something:  Lubov shows up and interrupts Mir while he’s chopping wood.

2. Progressive Complication/Turning Point: After the inciting incident and a desire or goal arises within the POV character, he or she should face obstacles of increasing difficulty that brings the character to a turning point or point of no return when they must make a decision. The Progressive Complication represents the obstacle that arises just before the turning point. In your scene, the final progressive complication is when Lubov asks Mir if he’s bothered by the deaths of Juri and his woman. The turning point comes immediately afterward when Mir finally reacts and says that he is bothered and he knows that Juri’s death is not Lubov’s main concern. (We’re close to a confrontation here.)

3. Crisis Question: This is the dilemma that arises as a result of the turning point. The dilemma is a best bad choice (the lesser of two evils) or a choice between irreconcilable goods (positive options, but mutually exclusive, and so there is a sacrifice of one for the other). The synopsis says that Mir is struggling with his growing suspicion of Lubov, but I’m not sure this is clear in the story. Mir appears to be struggling with something, but we don’t know what. I wouldn’t recommend telling this in an “on the nose” way, but the content of the dilemma for this scene (even if it’s not about confronting Lubov) should be apparent from what’s happening. (In other words, you wouldn’t need to have Mir thinking something like this: I wonder if I should confront him. If I do, it could cause X. If I don’t it could cause Y. Rather, consider how you might show what his dilemma is through subtext. What would someone who was trying to decide about his suspicion do?)

4. Climax: This is the character’s active choice, that is, their decision and what they do as a result. Here, we’re not clear what his crisis is, so we can’t be sure what he decides as a result. 

5. Resolution: Whatever Mir’s crisis, the scene is resolved when Lubov walks away.

To make the scene stronger, consider how the scene changes from beginning to end in a way that affects the main story value. Then look at how Mir’s crisis can be made more evident without directly telling the reader. You have a lot of great things working in the scene already, and a sentence or two to reveal his dilemma should make it even better. Finally, we suggest making Mir’s choice clear through his actions. 

Note from Jay: This short story has a lot of potential, particularly with the interconnections between Mir, Lubov and Iska. My biggest recommendation for you is to develop their relationships further — whether it’s in the form of an obsession love story triangle or to do more to bring out the horror aspect of Iska’s spirit. Doing this with value shifts in every scene will really make your story thrilling for the reader.

Thank you again for your submission and for trusting us with your words!

All the best,

Leslie

Line Edits for Our Short Story

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Ep. 118: Why You Must Choose a Genre

In this episode, fiction editor Leslie Watts and author C. Steven Manley critique “The Highwayman,” a fantasy short story by Jacob Oakley. They discuss genre and why it’s important to choose one primary one. The same characters, setting, and circumstances can give rise to a wide range of stories. When you nail down your primary or global genre, you’ll gain valuable information about the story you want to tell that will help you plan, draft, and revise your story.

 Why You Must Choose a Genre by Leslie Watts at Writership.com.

 

Listen to the Writership Podcast

This week's submission contains some violence.

 

About Our Guest Host

Clark is taking a well-deserved break from the podcast, so today we're joined by C. Steven Manley, author of the Paragons Trilogy, the Brace Cordova Space Opera series, and host of the Story Shots Podcast.

Find out more about him here.

 

Wise Words on Writing Rules

A rule says, “You must do it this way.” A principle says, “This works … and has through all remembered time.” The difference is crucial. Your work needn’t be modeled after the “well-made” play; rather it must be well made within the principles that shape our art. Anxious, inexperienced, writers obey rules. Rebellious, unschooled writers break rules. Artists master the form.

Story is about the eternal, universal forms, not formulas.
— Robert McKee

 

Mentioned on the Show

 

The Writership Index

Listeners have asked for an index of the podcast episodes and the topics discussed, so we've put together a Google spreadsheet containing details of each episode, its airdate, author name, story title, genre, story type, published location, author website, and topics discussed. Get access to the spreadsheet here.

 

The Highwayman poem

Today's submission is inspired by the poem "The Highwayman" by Alfred Noyes. You can read it here.

 

Join the Writership Book Club!

Join now and you'll get access to a recording of October's meeting, in which we read stories from The Best Science Fiction and Fantasy of the Year, Volume 10 and analyzed them the way Leslie does for a Story Grid Diagnostic. You’ll also be able to join us for our next (online) meeting on November 16. Find out more at Patreon.

 

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Enter your email address below and we'll send you a spreadsheet comparing Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs to the Twelve Main Genres and Global Story Values. Save it to your computer, print it out, and use it when considering genre in your story.

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Editorial Mission—Identify Your Genre

For now, forget what you know about the genre for your current work in progress. 

Think back to when you first thought of the idea for this story. What was the spark of inspiration? What drew your attention to this particular story, character, situation? What do you find fascinating about it? What do you want to say about the world?

On the subject of entertainment I want to say that stories are entertaining, but they also present prescriptive or cautionary tales about the world. When we read stories, we get to test out scenarios—the original virtual reality—without risking anything in real life (except a few hours of lost sleep). Stories evoke emotions that we want to feel or process: we’re often drawn to stories that explore what we need and want, and what we’re afraid of. If this is true of reading, imagine what you get to work out when you write a story! So yes, we read and write stories to entertain, but we also do so to make sense of the world and where we fit in it.

If you’re not sure or can’t remember why you want to write this story, try free writing. Set a timer for ten minutes and write (without stopping or editing) about your story and what compels you to write it. 

Think about the values in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs (physiological, security, love, respect and esteem, self-actualization, self-transcendence). Which one closest resembles your why or inspiration for the story? What are the genres connected with that need? 

Now, check your answer by reading or watching one or more of masterworks in the genre to get a feel for it. I have a couple of suggestions in the show notes, but I can’t include them all. If you need a suggestion or two to get you started, or if you’re not sure what to do with your masterwork, leave a comment or write to me, and I’ll do my best to help you work it out. 

There are so many obstacles that stand between you and your goal of writing and publishing a great story. Nailing down the genre will help clear whole categories and be your map on the journey. Keep it handy ...

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Editing Advice to Our Author

Dear Jacob,

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! It’s such a great idea to adapt a poem for a short story—especially this one. “The Highwayman” by Alfred Noyes is a perennial classic.

When we were looking at your story, we decided to take a step back and look at genre. Genre is the first line of inquiry when I come to a story because on the continuum of story structure from macro to micro, genre is as macro as you can get, and it’s important to nail this down. 

The poem from which you’ve drawn inspiration contains the seed for lots of possibilities: You could take the same basic characters, setting, and circumstances to tell a love story, action story, crime story, or society story (and others as well). While we have the elements of different types of story in the adaptation, I’m not clear on which one is primary. It really depends on the story you want to tell, the one that pulls at your heartstrings. 

Nailing down the genre you want to write as soon as possible is important, even if you end up changing your mind or you want to add subplots (though perhaps not so much in a short story simply because it takes words/space to add complexity). When you combine your favorite genres, it’s still useful to have a clear one that is the framework for your story. Having one main genre gives you focus and tells the reader what they can expect. 

If you’re going on a trip, you want to know your destination. To me, the genre is like settling on the continent you want to visit. By knowing your primary genre, you’ll be able identify the following items: 

  • obligatory scenes and conventions (You could call these tropes or the reader’s “content” expectations.)
     
  • story values (What kind of change happens from the beginning to the end?) 
     
  • core emotion (What’s the primary emotion you want the reader to feel?) 
     
  • objects of desire (What does the main character want and need?)
     
  • controlling idea or theme (Think of this as a simple expression of the main idea that includes the change in the core value, the cause of the change, and how the story ends.) 

It’s really useful to know these things when you’re planning, drafting, and revising your story. 

Sometimes when I talk about obligatory scenes and conventions, people feel as if I’m taking away their creative freedom. I’ve been thinking about different ways to reframe it. My friend and fellow editor Anne Hawley and I were talking about obligatory scenes and conventions, and she said writers can leave them out, but not if they want to be included within the tradition of a particular genre. That really resonated with me. I said, another way to put it is to be in the conversation taking place within a genre. In this way, it’s like being on the same channel of communication as the other people who are talking about the same things. Because that’s what we mean by genre and why the genre gives you all of those clues above.

You can choose to be on a different channel, but then you may not be heard in that context or conversation. In part, your choice depends on your goals for your writing—and no judgment if you don’t want to be in on the conversation or if you want to go start another channel. But these are things to consider with intention in relation to our art. 

And when you need inspiration or want to find a way to innovate within the genre, you have a treasure trove of reference materials within your chosen genre. Want to write a crime story, look to P.D. James or Ian Rankin. Want to write an action-labyrinth story? Look at Die Hard. (Movies have to follow the principles of story too, so don’t be afraid to use them as models. You have to modify your takeaways to account for the medium, but you can learn a lot by watching movies, as well as reading stories, in your genre.)

Where does fantasy (or science fiction, steampunk ...) fit into genre? Chuck talked about this in one or two episodes of the Story Shots Podcast, and I have a post on that, but basically what you’re talking about with fantasy or science fiction is where the story falls on the scale of reality: from this could happen or could have happened (contemporary, realistic fiction, historical fiction, etc.) to really could not happened in the world as it currently exists (science fiction, fantasy, steampunk). But you can have a fantasy action or society story, and a science fiction love story or crime story. 

There are conventions and tropes for fantasy and science fiction, space opera, etc., but these are different from the obligatory scenes and conventions for genre. Think of science fiction and fantasy as a reality aspect with a particular style or setting—and most definitely sales categories (where the book would sit on the shelf in the book store). 

The important thing, as Chuck mentioned, is to make it clear from the beginning of a story where you fall on the continuum from reality to fantasy so the reader isn’t surprised when they reach the fantastical parts.

Other things to consider whether you’re adapting from a poem, historical event, or an idea you conjured up in your own mind: 

  • Whose story is it? Who is the protagonist? What does that character want/need?
     
  • What is the force of antagonism? Who embodies this force?
     
  • Specific to adaptation: What elements of the original do you keep (i.e., what aspects lend themselves to the new form)? What do you need to dispense with? (Here is a great interview about the adaptation of Macbeth for audio by A.J. Hartley and David Hewson [narrated by Alan Cumming].)

There are a few minor notes and comments in the submission, but mainly we focused on genre. This is a lot to think about, but I’d be happy to talk it through with you if you’re game. Thanks again for sharing your story and trusting us with your world! It was fun to explore the events of the poem through your story. 

All the best,

Leslie

Line Edits for Our Fantasy Story

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Ep. 117: Shoe Leather: Eliminating Unnecessary Exposition

In this episode, Leslie is joined by author and Story Grid editor Jarie Bolander. They critique the opening chapters of The Home Front, a women’s society novel by Melinda McDonald. Shoe leather, that is extra description, backstory, and information your reader doesn’t need, can weigh down your prose.

The editorial mission this week will help you seek out and eliminate shoe leather and use exposition in a more powerful way. Shoe leather is part of discovering your story during early drafts, and you can often use this at strategic points in your story. Leslie and Jarie also talk about what makes a society story great and how to start your story with a bang.

 Shoe Leather: Eliminating Unnecessary Exposition by Leslie Watts at Writership.com.

 

Listen to the Writership Podcast

This week's submission contains a description of a miscarriage.

 

About Our Guest Host

Clark is taking a well-deserved break from the podcast, so today we're joined by Jarie Bolander, author of The Entrepreneur Ethos and Story Grid Editor. Find out more about Jarie at his site, thedailyMBA.com, or on Twitter @thedailymba.

 

Wise Words on Society

We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained, it must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be, by the better angels of our nature.
— Abraham Lincoln

 

Mentioned on the Show

 

Join the Writership Book Club!

 This month, we’re reading four stories from The Best Science Fiction and Fantasy of the Year, Volume 10. We’ll read and analyze it the way Leslie does for a Story Grid Diagnostic, and we’ll discuss it in a recorded call. For more information about the book club, visit Patreon.

 

Support Clark and get a great deal

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As you may know, our co-host Clark has been having a rough time recently. While we as a community can’t help him with his health or rewrite his circumstances, we can help give him a little financial breathing room AND get an amazing deal on his course, Advanced Novel Writing With Harry Potter, at the same time!

Advanced Novel Writing With Harry Potter is professionally recorded and breaks down the secrets behind why the series works so well and sold by the boatload. It’s really good stuff.

He’s also doing a special on it right now: Pay What You Want.

That’s right: The course normally retails for $197, but for a very limited time you can pay anything you want and receive this amazing course in its entirety! 

 

The Writership Index

Listeners have asked for an index of the podcast episodes and the topics discussed, so we've put together a Google spreadsheet containing details of each episode, its airdate, author name, story title, genre, story type, published location, author website, and topics discussed. Get access to the spreadsheet here.

 

Editorial Mission—Seeking Shoe Leather

If you are in the revision phase for your work in progress, select a scene from the beginning, middle, and end of your story. Save a fresh copy of these scenes and read them aloud. Identify passages of shoe leather, that is description, backstory, action, or dialogue, that doesn’t move the story along. Read closely and be ruthless. Ask yourself, why is this passage, paragraph, or sentence included? If there isn’t a good reason, cut it. Then set those scenes aside.

Come back to it in a day or two and reread the scenes you’ve edited. Then reread the original scenes. How do they compare? Look at the scenes in light of what I have called the distillate (more about that here) or Foolscap Global Story Grid. This is a one pager that includes the essence of your story. In other words, you want to evaluate these parts through the filter of your story without having to reread it. Don’t know how to make a foolscap? Find out more here. Revise accordingly and incorporate into your current draft.

If you don’t have a complete draft of your story yet, don’t edit look for shoe leather yet. Shoe leather happens as your figuring out the story. Save this mission for your first revision. 

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Editing Advice to Our Author

Dear Melinda,

Thank you so much for sharing your submission with us! Dot is a great character who seems to start in a strategically advantageous place for a women’s/ historical society story. That sounds way more technical/boring than I mean it to be. She’s bold enough to walk out on a marriage that is unsatisfying to her, but she was not sophisticated enough to avoid it in the first place. The beauty of historical fiction is that you can present situations that reflect the power struggles in our own time (gender, immigration, wealth) without its being “on the nose.” Both the similarities and contrasts to our own time make this a fantastic setup for your story. 

In thinking about a good next step for your story, I recommend considering the way the opening scene. Chapter two felt more engaging in part because Dot is interacting with people, which provides fewer opportunities for extra information. In the first chapter, she spends a lot of time alone, which may be indicative of the marriage, but even for a “quiet novel,” you want a strong hook for the opening.

When we talk about “hooks” sometimes we mean the beginning hook (the first commandment of storytelling in Story Grid parlance). This is act one of a three-act story or the setup for the ending payoff. An effective beginning hook grabs the reader so they feel compelled to find out how everything works out.

Another kind of hook (I’ll call it the initial hook) is the first paragraph or first few lines of chapter one (or a prologue when you have one). The initial hook has a similar purpose but is smaller in scope. You must capture the reader’s attention in the first moments of reading so they are willing to find out what the story’s beginning hook is all about. Sometimes this initial hook involves the protagonist’s story problem, but other times there is a bridging conflict that is somehow related to or points to the main event.

Options for this initial hook include raising a question; an intriguing character with a strong voice; odd circumstances, image, or setting; or immediate relatable stakes (discussed in episode 95). You don’t have to use all of them or even more than one if you have one strong element.

Here is the opening:

We lived in a trailer when we first arrived. We had come from Collinsville, Illinois to Detroit where Ollie was guaranteed a job at Ford Motor Plant as a pattern maker. A lot of young people were in the city then, shooting for their dreams. We were young, newlywed and optimistic. This was our new life – away from the Depression in southern Illinois where there were no jobs and people lived on farms and ate sugar on bread for a treat. But the move didn’t go quite as planned.

Here are some potential sources for hooks from the opening:

  1. Question: In what way did things not go as planned for Dot? This is a pretty good question, but we might need a more vivid context.
     
  2. Intriguing characters: We don’t have enough information to make Ollie and Dot stand out yet—they are young newlyweds moving to a new place, so optimism is, if not expected, at least not unexpected, and they are two people among many who are doing this. By the end of the scene, I feel empathy for Dot, but I don’t know enough about her at this point. 
     
  3. Strong voice: Dot’s voice seems appropriate for her character, but it doesn’t really stand out in the first chapter.
     
  4. Circumstances: Although certain aspects of Dot and Ollie’s experience are different from our own, there is a certain timelessness about their circumstances: a young couple from a (presumably) small town moves to the big city to start a new life. 
     
  5. Image: I think this could be a lot more powerful. The details overall feel like ideas, rather than a world we’ve dropped into. 
     
  6. Setting: We get place names and a time, and these will bring up certain associations, but, I think the second chapter is a much stronger opening. 
     
  7. Immediate/relatable stakes: Poverty, especially the extreme, sudden, and lasting poverty that the Depression brought can yield immediate stakes, but in the first chapter it’s not specific or personal. We know how bad some people had it in Dot’s town (eating sugar on bread for a treat), but we don’t know how it was for this couple.

None of these alone seem to be a strong enough hook—absent a reader’s strong interest in the era or women’s place in society. That could sound a little discouraging, but you have the building blocks with which you could create a strong hook. By making one or two of the elements exquisitely specific, you would accomplish the task. What I mean is a detail or two that sets this couple, the place, or their journey apart. 

But … I think the second chapter is a strong contender, depending on Dot’s journey over the entire story. Here’s my thinking on this: The opening scene(s) should establish Dot’s ordinary world, her life as it exists before the Inciting Incident causes everything to go topsy-turvy. If Dot’s story is about finding love at her job, then her marriage is certainly relevant backstory (she wouldn’t be there if she hadn’t left her husband), but I wonder if her “newer” ordinary world in which she lives and works with her sister at the plant is the better springboard. You can reveal Dot’s life with her husband and the miscarriage later, when the information will affect where Dot is in relation to achieving her story goal. This is particularly true if the dark secret you reference is related to these facts. 

That’s where our discussion of “shoe leather” comes in. This is information you don’t need. It could be description, backstory, dialogue, action, or even a scene that moves the characters but not the story. When checking your story for shoe leather, consider what the point of view character would notice or not given the circumstances and her mood, but also what the reader needs to know. In a society story, you’ll be given some extra leeway by the reader because we want to know more about the society that exists around the characters, but be judicious in the use of details. 

You want to root out shoe leather when you revise, but please no beating yourself up for its existence. It’s a necessary part of discovering the story. Until you get the events down, you can’t know what is shoe leather and what is necessary. It sounds like a bad thing, but understand this is part of the process of transferring the vision of the story in your mind to the reader’s mind. Also, you may need to weave the exposition in later.

Sometimes we need to seed earlier parts of the story with certain facts to set up a later payoff. Exposition may not seem relevant when introduced. That is fine. But check that the exposition makes sense in the context when first mentioned. The bit of information you’re slipping in can and should do more than set up the payoff. Make it relevant to the scene in which it happens by using it to reveal character or create conflict. For example, let’s take Chekhov’s gun … If the POV character needs to notice there is a gun hanging over the mantel because she will need it later (or see that it’s missing later), give her a legitimate reason to make note of it. For example, it’s out of place in the room or someone else mentions it. In other words, use the information as ammunition twice.

Notes from Jarie:

This is a great concept for a story. I especially like this period of American history because it shows the mettle and character of the American experience. Dot is a lovely character and has the potential to be a stellar hero of her own movie. The layers in which her life will be lived will make for some excellent commentary on society. The first two chapters have the bones of the story but it does lack some of the meat. There is a big opportunity for Dot to reflect on the world of 1941 American to set up the rest of her journey.

I hope this is helpful, Melinda. Thank you again for sharing your story with us!

All the best,

Leslie

Line Edits for Our Women's Society Story

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Ep. 116: The Five Commandments of Story

In this episode, Leslie is joined by Shawn Coyne, the author of The Story Grid: What Good Editors Know. They discuss the five commandments of story in the context of chapter five of Animal Farm by George Orwell and what makes this story a great one to analyze.

The five commandments (the inciting incident, progressive complications, crisis question, climax, and resolution) provide the basic structure for your global story, but also your acts, sequences, and scenes, like nesting dolls. If you learn to execute the five commandments in your story, you’ll become a better writer.

This week’s mission encourages you to look for the five commandments in one of your favorite stories, and then use them to plan or revise your own work-in-progress.

 The Five Commandments of Story by Leslie Watts with Writership.com.

 

Listen to the Writership Podcast

 

About Our Guest Host

Clark is taking a well-deserved break from the podcast so today we welcome guest host Shawn Coyne. Shawn is the author of The Story Grid: What Good Editors Know and creator of the Story Grid editing process for which Leslie is now a certified editor.

He's also a twenty-five year book-publishing veteran. He's edited, published or represented works from dozens of household-name authors. During his years as an editor at the Big Five publishing houses, as an independent publisher, as a literary agent both at a major Hollywood talent agency and as head of Genre Management Inc., and as a bestselling co-writer (The Ones Who Hit The Hardest with Chad Millman) and ghostwriter, Coyne created a methodology called The Story Grid to each the editing craft.

With his friend, business partner and client Steven Pressfield, author of The War of Art, Coyne also runs the independent publishing company Black Irish Books and writes for stevenpressfield.com and storygrid.com.

 

Wise Words on the Five Commandments of Story

We didn't include a quote in this week's show but, after recording, we found this one which we want to share with you. 

So my advice is to surrender to [the Five Commandments of Story]. Bow down to them. Hold them closely to your heart. They will save you from yourself. They will outwit and out duel any bullshit you or anyone else will come up with to get you to ignore them so that you can write “freely.” Sure go nuts on your first draft and riff all you want. But when you dive into your edit, you’ve got to make sure that these five elements are present in every beat, scene, sequence, act, subplot and global story.
— Shawn Coyne

 

Mentioned on the Show

 

Don't have a copy of Animal Farm handy?

While Animal Farm isn't in the public domain in the US, it is in the UK, Canada, Australia, New Zealand. You can use these links read the scene:

 

Check out the Story Grid Workshop

Don’t forget to check out the Story Grid Workshop, which you can find here. In it, Shawn breaks down Pride & Prejudice to show why it works. Even if you're not interested in love stories, the lessons can be applied to whichever genre you're working in. The course is available for a limited time only!

 

Join the Writership Book Club!

For October, we’ll review one or more stories from The Best Science Fiction and Fantasy of the Year, Volume Ten.

 

The Writership Index

Listeners have asked for an index of the podcast episodes and the topics discussed, so we've put together a Google spreadsheet containing details of each episode, its airdate, author name, story title, genre, story type, published location, author website, and topics discussed. Get access to the spreadsheet here.

 

Clark's Offer ends Friday!

advanced-novel-writing-clark-chamberlain.png

As you may know, our co-host Clark has been having a rough time recently. While we as a community can’t help him with his health or rewrite his circumstances, we can help give him a little financial breathing room AND get an amazing deal on his course, Advanced Novel Writing With Harry Potter, at the same time!

Advanced Novel Writing With Harry Potter is professionally recorded and breaks down the secrets behind why the series works so well and sold by the boatload. It’s really good stuff.

He’s also doing a special on it right now: Pay What You Want. This offer ends this Friday!

That’s right: The course normally retails for $197, but for a very limited time you can pay anything you want and receive this amazing course in its entirety! 

 

Editorial Mission—Look for the Five Commandments of Story

Choose a scene from a book you love and try to identify the five commandments of story. Look for the inciting incident, progressive complications (that lead to a turning point), the crisis question, climax, and resolution. Once you feel comfortable with that, review a scene of your own and see if you’ve missed any of the commandments. Or, plan a scene you haven’t yet written by identifying the points you need to hit. If you struggle with this, leave a comment below or email me.

Below are links to more information on each of the story commandments.

Five Commandments generally

1. Inciting Incident

2. Progressive Complications & Turning Point

3. Crisis Question

4. Climax

5. Resolution

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Ep. 115: Motivation-Reaction Units

In this episode, fiction editors Leslie Watts and Kim Kessler critique the first chapter of Passage, a fantasy-women’s society novel by S. Thies. This week’s author submitted her scene in first- and third-person point of view, providing an opportunity to talk about how to improve scenes no matter which POV you choose.

The answer is MRUs, that is Motivation-Reaction Units. If you practice writing these stimulus-and-response sequences within your scenes, as the editorial mission suggests, your character’s reactions will make sense and be unique to them and your reader can experience the story, rather than have the experience of reading a story.

 Intentional Sentence Construction by Leslie Watts with Writership.com.

 

Listen to the Writership Podcast

 

About Our Guest Host

Clark is taking a well-deserved break from the podcast, but our friend and fellow Story Grid certified editor, Kim Kessler, has graciously agreed to jump in and help out. Kim is the author of the upcoming novel, According to Plan. Find out more about Kim on her website.

 

Wise Words on Motivation-Reaction Units

You will write your MRUs by alternating between what your POV character sees (the Motivation) and what he does (the Reaction). This is supremely important. Remember that Swain calls these things “Motivation-Reaction Units”. The Motivation is objective but it is something that your character can see (or hear or smell or taste or feel). You will write this in such a way that your reader also sees it (or hears it or smells it or tastes it or feels it). You will then start a new paragraph in which your POV character does one or more things in Reaction to the Motivation. There is an exact sequence you must follow in writing your Reaction. The sequence is based on what is physiologically possible. Note that the Motivation is external and objective. The Reaction is internal and subjective. If you do this, you create in your reader the powerful illusion that he is experiencing something real. Now let’s break this down into more detail . . .
— Randy Ingermanson

 

Mentioned on the Show

 

Join the Writership Book Club!

For October, we’ll review one or more stories from The Best Science Fiction and Fantasy of the Year, Volume Ten.

 

New Patreon supporters

This week we're welcoming two new members to our Patreon crew! Many thanks to our new Quarter Master Brian Schwimmer and our new Shipmate Kevin Glasgow.

If you want to support the show and get some bonus goodies only available to Patreon supporters, click here.

 

Support Clark and get a great deal

advanced-novel-writing-clark-chamberlain.png

As you may know, our co-host Clark has been having a rough time recently. While we as a community can’t help him with his health or rewrite his circumstances, we can help give him a little financial breathing room AND get an amazing deal on his course, Advanced Novel Writing With Harry Potter, at the same time!

Advanced Novel Writing With Harry Potter is professionally recorded and breaks down the secrets behind why the series works so well and sold by the boatload. It’s really good stuff.

He’s also doing a special on it right now: Pay What You Want.

That’s right: The course normally retails for $197, but for a very limited time you can pay anything you want and receive this amazing course in its entirety! 

 

The Writership Index

Listeners have asked for an index of the podcast episodes and the topics discussed, so we've put together a Google spreadsheet containing details of each episode, its airdate, author name, story title, genre, story type, published location, author website, and topics discussed. Get access to the spreadsheet here.

 

More From This Episode

To find out more about Motivation-Reaction Units (MRUs), check out Dwight Swain’s book Techniques of the Selling Writer.

The article we mentioned by Randy Ingermanson can be found here.

Here's the Writership episode that talks about narrative distance.

Here's the Writership episode that discusses how to choose your point of view.

 

Editorial Mission—Check Your MRUs

MRUs are easier to understand when you consider that every moment is the culmination of all that has come before and the setup for everything that comes after. You can track the setups and reactions at the beat level of your scene (the units of story that make up a scene). It can be a bit grueling at first, but if you make this a practice

To complete this mission, select a scene from your current revision work in progress or a favorite story. Identify the motivation (some kind of stimulus or trigger, something the character observes from an external force. Make a list of these items.

Then look for the POV character’s reaction (what the character does). Make a list of the reaction and its type (feelings, reflexes, or voluntary thoughts or actions).

  1. Feelings: internal thing you can’t control: physical, visceral response or emotion
     
  2. Reflex: comes as a result of the feeling, external thing you can’t control
     
  3. Rational thought/action: intentionally thinking or doing (character back in control)

Then consider the relationship between the trigger (person, place, thing, thought, etc.), and your POV character. Think about who she is, her past, what she wants and needs (in other words, her story objects of desire), the levels of conflict in the scene, etc.

Does the reaction make sense given all that you know? Do the different elements of reaction happen in the natural order?

If you’re working on a scene from your work in progress, revise or write a new one in light of your new understanding. If you get stuck when moving from motivation to reaction, you can work backward. In other words, if you want a particular reaction (especially if it’s something out of character), what kind of trigger or relationship to the trigger, will create that response?

If you’re looking at a scene from your favorite story, write your own version of the scene in which the reaction is different. Then change the setup so it fits.

Special Mission

We have a special episode coming up in which we'll discuss the scene in chapter 5 of Animal Farm by George Orwell. If you can, I highly recommend reading the scene in advance. It's in the public domain in several countries outside the US, so you can read it here or here

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Editing Advice to Our Author

Dear S. Thies,

Thanks so much for your submissions and for allowing us to look at the same events in two different points of view. You have a great premise for your novel with lots of possibilities for engaging conflict. The setup makes us want to turn the page, so you’re off to a great start. 

Kim and I discussed some considerations for POV during the episode. It was so helpful to see both versions. We actually thought the first-person point of view gave Abby a stronger character voice, but you may have other reasons for preferring the third-person version. We wouldn’t want to second guess your decision here. If you’re open to reconsidering, the editorial mission in episode 102 may help you with that.

Our big takeaway is that regardless of the POV that you choose for your story, you can make the scenes stronger by paying attention to the Motivation-Reaction Units. Dwight Swain mentioned these call-and-response sequences in his 1965 book, Techniques of the Selling Writer. They take into account the fact that people react in certain ways: voluntary and involuntary, internally and externally. If you make a practice of tracking these motivating events and character reactions (presented in the order they naturally arise people), you’ll write stronger scenes that allow your reader to experience the story events rather than read about them. 

We noticed that Abby reacts within the scene, but not in the full range that she could. Because people react to stimulus in the following ways, you can use these categories to plot Abby’s reaction to what’s happening to her.

  1. Feelings: internal thing you can’t control: physical, visceral response or emotion
     
  2. Reflex: comes as a result of the feeling, external thing you can’t control
     
  3. Rational thought/action: intentionally thinking or doing (character back in control)

Consider making a list of motivations and Abby’s reactions and filling in the gaps. You don’t need to show something in each category for every motivation, but consider which ones will help you tell the story unfolding in this scene. What can you show us about Abby in this moment that will change over the course of the story.

You have a great opportunity when Abby’s mother tells her that her grandmother has died, but there is no immediate reaction on the page. People have a wide range of reactions when they hear that someone close to them has died, and that might include going silent (no external reaction), but you can bet something is happening on inside or they are at the very least feeling numb. 

With a third-person limited POV, you can get very close to Abby’s experience of hearing that a loved one has died—and remember this coming right after a devastating breakup. This is a great vehicle for revealing character because the reader gets the inside scoop on what she shows the world and what she really feels and thinks. For some characters this gap will be tiny, and for others, it could be massive.

Now, if you had written this scene from Abby’s mother’s perspective, Abby’s silence would be something for her to react to. Her mom does react when she says, “Hello?” But again, you might want to show her involuntary feelings and reflexes before revealing her more considered response. 

Here are some picky items to watch for when you’re in the copyediting phase. 

  • The convention for spacing between sentences has changed. Now it’s only a single space. 
     
  • Punctuation goes inside the quotation marks for dialogue (with minor exceptions) when writing for a US audience; UK generally goes outside. Consider what your ideal reader is used when you decide. In this story, I’m assuming US because it’s set here. I made these changes and accepted many of them to keep the copy readable in the show notes. You can download the dialogue punctuation sheet as a guide while revising.
     
  • Consider using said and asked as dialogue tag staples. They tend to disappear so that the character’s speech takes center stage.
     
  • Suspension points take a space on either side of the marks (like … this). If you want to show a thought or speech trailing off, then the suspension points are appropriate. If thoughts or speech are interrupted, represent this with an em dash (—).
     
  • Typically, if you’re going to interrupt the character’s speech with a dialogue tag, it comes after the first sentence or near the beginning. Once the character has gotten this far into what they are saying, the tag isn’t necessary.
     
  • Compound predicates (e.g., I washed and dried the dishes) don’t require a comma the way compound sentences do (I washed the dishes, and Joe dried them.)
     
  • Mother and father/mom and dad are capitalized when used in direct address or when the word acts as a substitute for a name. So, for example, we would say, “What time are you leaving, Mom?” or “What time is Mom leaving?” Compare, “What time is my mother leaving?”
     
  • No quotation marks necessary for a term like black sheep since it’s being used in its usual sense. Unless you mean it in an unconventional sense, are quoting someone else loosely (e.g., “her silly art school plans”), or indicating sarcasm, quotation marks aren’t necessary and can act like speed bumps for the reader.

Thanks again for your submission and for trusting us with your words!

All the best,

Lesli

Line Edits for Our Women's Fantasy Story

 

Third person POV

First person POV

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Ep. 114: Inciting Incidents

In this episode, fiction editors Leslie Watts and Anne Hawley critique the beginning of Sheila Lischwe’s as yet untitled psychological thriller. They discuss inciting incidents: the submission as a possible inciting incident for the global psychological thriller and also within the scene. These pivotal story events pull the rug out from under your protagonist or POV character. This week’s editorial mission will help you identify the elements of inciting incidents to make your scenes and stories stronger. 

 Intentional Sentence Construction by Leslie Watts with Writership.com.

 

Listen to the Writership Podcast

This week's submission contains a bloody crime scene.

 

About Our Guest Host

Clark is taking a well-deserved break from the podcast, but our friend and fellow editor, Anne, has graciously agreed to jump in and help out. You may remember Anne from episodes 106 and 108.

After a career in public service during which she wrote fiction to stay sane, Anne Hawley has turned her talents to writing professionally.

As a founding member of the Super Hardcore Editing Group and a graduate of Shawn Coyne’s Story Grid Workshop, she writes and edits from her small house in Portland, Oregon. When she leaves the house it’s usually on her Dutch bike, Eleanor.

Her forthcoming novel, Restraint, is a sweeping historical love story about a gifted and sexually repressed artist in Regency London. Under the dangerous gaze of high society, he must deny his attraction to the young nobleman who has hired him to paint his portrait, or else risk his livelihood and his reputation by giving in to his secret desires. It's Pride and Prejudice meets Brokeback Mountain in a bittersweet story of two men who fall in love in a time and place where homosexuality is still a capital offense. Find out more here.

 

Wise Words on Inciting Incidents

Like the peanut butter that lures a mouse into a mousetrap, the global Inciting Incident must be irresistible to the writer’s intended audience. And yes, even the big literary writers have an intended audience.

But alas, a fantastic global Inciting Incident does not make for a slam-dunk commercial success. You must load every beat, scene, sequence, and act with tantalizing Inciting Incidents to keep the reader turning pages or to keep the viewer in their seat. Creating these kinds of Inciting Incidents are all about zigging when the reader expects a zag. They require singular imagination. Ideally, the writer fulfills the conventions of a particular Genre’s obligatory Inciting Incidents in a completely unique way. A way that the reader never sees coming.
— Shawn Coyne

 

Mentioned on the Show

 

Support Clark and get a great deal

advanced-novel-writing-clark-chamberlain.png

As you may know, our co-host Clark has been having a rough time recently. While we as a community can’t help him with his health or rewrite his circumstances, we can help give him a little financial breathing room AND get an amazing deal on his course, Advanced Novel Writing With Harry Potter, at the same time!

Advanced Novel Writing With Harry Potter is professionally recorded and breaks down the secrets behind why the series works so well and sold by the boatload. It’s really good stuff.

He’s also doing a special on it right now: Pay What You Want.

That’s right: The course normally retails for $197, but for a very limited time you can pay anything you want and receive this amazing course in its entirety! 

 

The Writership Index

Listeners have asked for an index of the podcast episodes and the topics discussed, so we've put together a Google spreadsheet containing details of each episode, its airdate, author name, story title, genre, story type, published location, author website, and topics discussed. Get access to the spreadsheet here.

 

A new Patreon supporter

Jarie Bolander, the author of The Entrepreneur Ethos: How to Build a More Ethical, Inclusive, and Resilient Entrepreneur Community has joined our Patreon Crew. Welcome Jarie!

If you want to support the show and get some bonus goodies only available to Patreon supporters, click here.

 

More about inciting incidents

To read more about inciting incidents, check out this excerpt from The Story Grid by Shawn Coyne.

You can listen to the Story Grid Podcast episode that Leslie mentioned in which Shawn talks about how his commandments of story relate to the hero’s journey and the Kubler-Ross grief process.

 

Editorial Mission—Write an Inciting Incident

Identify the inciting incident of one of your favorite stories and ask yourself the following questions:

  • Does the event radically upset the balance of forces in the protagonist’s life?
  • Does the protagonist react to the event?
  • Does the event trigger a desire in the protagonist? Does it create a want and need? 
  • Does the protagonist decide to pursue the object of desire?

If you’re working with a draft of your own story, check that your inciting incident has these elements. Could they be stronger? Revise accordingly.

If you’re not currently revising a story, draft an inciting incident for a minor character from your current work in progress, one from a story you enjoy, or something completely new. 

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Editing Advice to Our Author

Dear Sheila,

It was such a treat to read your submission! You’ve written a gripping scene that pulls us in directly. As readers, we have plenty of open questions and would gladly turn the page to find out what happens when the story picks up again two generations later. The details seem particularly suited to the perception and attention of a young child.

We looked at the scene as if it were the global inciting incident, though we can’t say for sure without more about Devon and her story. We also looked at the scene as a whole and what we thought might be the inciting incident for it. 

A crime of this nature kicking off a psychological thriller is a great fit. It’s causal (Blue Jeans intentionally attacks and kills Miss Nancy) and of course negative. It throws Kelly’s life out of balance, as the first sentence reveals up front. 

The four elements of an inciting incident can be explained succinctly in this quote from Robert McKee: 

Therefore the Inciting Incident first throws the protagonist’s life out of balance, then arouses in him the desire to restore that balance. Out of this need—often quickly and occasionally with deliberation—the protagonist next conceives of an Object of Desire: something physical, situational, or attitudinal that he feels he lacks or needs to put the ship of life on an even keel. Lastly, the Inciting Incident propels the protagonist into an active pursuit of this object or goal.

Kelly witnesses the brutal murder of her babysitter, and that changes her life from safe to unsafe (and for Miss Nancy from life to death). This certainly arouses within her the desire to make herself safe, and it propels her to move back toward the bedroom, overriding her curiosity about who Blue Jeans is or any desire to help Miss Nancy.

From Kelly’s point of view, I think it’s when the stranger enters the trailer for the second time making a noise that keeps Kelly from falling asleep. The noises arouse her curiosity—in part because it could be her mother, and Kelly is hoping for hot chocolate and donuts the next morning, and her mother’s presence would change that. Kelly gets up to investigate the noises. An argument could be made that the phone call is what throws the bedtime routine out of balance (because Miss Nancy forgets to have Kelly brush her teeth).

I think that some of the timing, setting, and movements could be clarified while looking at it through the filter of which event, in your mind, is the inciting incident, but overall this is a scene that works really well.

Anne shared these notes for you: Two approaches: establish the ordinary life before ripping it away, or open in the midst of it being ripped away. 

This inciting incident is also the opener of the novel. It straight out tells us that the character’s ordinary life is ending in the first sentence, then it gives us a 240-word glimpse into Kelly’s ordinary life and its setting. Ballerina sheets, snacks, a game of Twister, a polaroid picture, a babysitter, toys, a caring sister.

But notice also that we get social clues that will probably play a role in the investigation later: they live in a trailer, their mother presumably has to work nights, their  babysitter is more interested in a boyfriend than in her charges.

Then a Stranger Knocks at the Door—a classic Inciting Incident. In this case the Stranger seems to be the villain. We tick three boxes off the list of obligatory conventions of the thriller in this scene alone: a crime, a victim, and a villain.

Specificity creates universality, and I like the specific details of Kelly’s life—the soft toy with a name, the ballerina sheets. They evoke a whole way of life in a few words. Some of them repeat certain ideas and actions, though. 

This is very standard and normal in early drafts, as the writer is figuring out what’s important. In revisions, you begin to trust yourself, and trust your reader to pick up on single details. 

In a later draft, two sneaky journeys from bedroom to kitchen, two mentions of Ed Wrinkles the toy, two references to the cold December air--all might be candidates for converging into single instances.

An inciting incident, especially for a psychological thriller, has to launch the story steeply and fast. But even in a more sedate genre, beware of elaborating specifics. A few go a long way.

Thanks again for your submission! 

All the best,

Leslie 

Line Edits for Our Psychological Thriller Story

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Ep. 113: Intentional Sentence Construction

Fiction editor Leslie Watts is joined by Liz Green, Writership’s first officer, to discuss the first chapter of The Left-Handed Gunslinger, a western fantasy novella by Shaun Gill. In this episode, they explore intentional sentence structure.

You have a wide variety of tools to support your story, including the words and sentence structure you choose. The trick is to understand when to use different tools to provide the reading experience you’re aiming for.

This week’s editorial mission will help you get granular so you can revise your sentences with intention.

Special note: Clark Chamberlain is taking a well-deserved break from the podcast, so we’ll invite guest hosts for the next couple of months.

 Intentional Sentence Construction by Leslie Watts with Writership.com.

 

Listen to the Writership Podcast

 

About Our Guest Host

Clark Chamberlain is taking a well-deserved break from the podcast, so this week Leslie is joined by Liz Green. Liz is the first officer of the Writership Crew and the ghostwriter behind Green Goose Ghostwriting. She helps entrepreneurs write books that build their businesses.

A Post Graduate Degree in Journalism and a decade of working in news, PR, marketing and events taught Liz to find the nuggets in other people's knowledge and turn them into transformative stories. Through years of ghostwriting blogs she learned to listen and look deep, and to emulate bloggers' voices. As she started working with authors and editors, she found joy in helping them express their ideas and experience in a way that truly felt "like them."

Now she works with entrepreneurs who want to turn their ideas and experience into a book that builds their business.

 

Wise Words on Intentional Sentence Construction

It is important to express actions as verbs, but the first principle of a clear style is this: Make the subjects of most of your verbs the main characters in your story.
— Joseph M. Williams and Gregory G. Colomb
Whether you write short, punchy sentences or long, flowing ones, keeping track of your subjects and predicates can prevent your prose from shifting and drifting.
— Constance Hale

 

Mentioned on the Show

Listeners have asked for an index of the podcast episodes and the topics discussed, so we've put together a Google spreadsheet containing details of each episode, its airdate, author name, story title, genre, story type, published location, author website, and topics discussed. Get access to the spreadsheet here.

Leslie attended the Story Grid Editor Certification Training last week in Nashville. You'll hear more about this on the blog soon but in the meantime, visit Shawn Coyne's website to find out more about the Story Grid.

Episode 101 is the one in which we talked about narrative distance.

To find out more about using Microsoft Word macros in editing, check out this post by Jordan McCollom.

We want to give a shout out to our new Patreon supporter, Colby Rice. Colby is the author of The Ghosts of Koa series, which appeared in an earlier episode of the podcast.

 

Editorial Mission—Intentional Sentence Construction

No matter where you are in your work-in-progress, whether you have a raw first draft or something that’s ready to go to press, select a five-page sample to analyze, preferably a passage you haven’t reviewed recently. If time is tight, try two pages. Copy and paste that sample in a new document.

  1. Read the entire sample quickly. 
     
  2. Read the sample sentence by sentence and mark the subject and predicate for each. (Reminder: The subject of the sentence is the person, place, thing, or idea that is doing or being in the sentence. The predicate expresses the doing or being.) If you do this on a hard copy, you could circle the subject and put a square around the predicate. If you’re reviewing a digital copy, you can use bold and underline or different colors to highlight them. Save this as a new document.
     
  3. Review your subjects and predicates and ask yourself, is the subject the main character or actor in the sentence? Is the predicate an expression of the main action in the sentence? If you answer no to either of those questions, do you have specific and compelling reason to de-emphasize the main character or action? If not, rewrite the sentence. (What constitutes a specific and compelling reason? You don’t want to reveal the actor to the reader [mistakes were made], the POV character doesn’t know or can’t perceive who the actor is [I was shoved from behind], or the actor is irrelevant [the cake was ruined]).
     
  4. Set the revised sample aside for a day or two then read it again. How does it sound? Is there anything you would tweak or change to make it stronger? 

If you had to change several sentences, it could feel overwhelming. Don’t be discouraged! Try this as a practice four to seven times. Once you know the problem is there and you train your mind to spot it, you won’t have to go through the process of marking each sentence. I do recommend doing the test for each new manuscript, though. I mentioned that you can try this no matter where you are in the writing process, but typically you won’t be tackling sentence-level edits until the copyediting phase. Make your story-level edits first before getting down to this level.

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Editing Advice to Our Author

Dear Shaun,

Thank you so much for sharing your story world with us! As I mentioned in the episode, I think the combination of western and fantasy is fun one. You’ve got some great lines in these passages and mysteries that make us want to read on (Why was Marshall telling stories, and what were they about?). Leaving out the four-letter word at the end of chapter 1 was a great choice. It’s much funnier written that way. I like the way you revealed what Marshall looks like (e.g., handlebar mustache) through action instead of providing a police description for him.

One area I would focus on—but not until you’re doing sentence level edits—is passive construction. Passive writing includes the passive voice and making inanimate objects the actor in sentences. There are a few problems that arise with when we repeat this sentence construction. It takes away from the action in the scene (the character is passive, and the objects around him/her are doing and being). Passive writing can make the sentences wordy, awkward, and also alter the narrative distance in tight/limited 3rd person POV, where the character provides the lens through which we experience the story. Perhaps most important, as readers, we care about and bond with the character, not the objects in the scene, and when we make the characters the subjects of our sentences, we relate to the character and can imagine the action more easily. 

Of course, this is not a blanket prohibition on passive construction. There are instances when it can be useful. For example, if you want to vary the sentence structure and emphasize something besides the character. Also, you may want to use it as a subtext to show that the character is acting passively. The passive voice comes in handy when you don’t want to say who the actor is (mistakes were made), the POV character doesn’t know or can’t perceive who the actor is (I was shoved from behind), or the actor is irrelevant (the cake was ruined). 

Active writing and voice are generally more engaging, so you’ll want to be intentional about your choices and use the alternatives sparingly.

If you apply the editorial mission I mention in the episode to this piece, you might add the mission from episode 71 to get some specific and descriptive verbs doing the heavy lifting for you. 

There are some echoes that you’ll want to flag for later revision stages. “Character doing something as s/he does something else” is a common structure in these pages. The good news is you know it’s there, so you can spot it. The better news is that as you rework sentences to avoid it in revision, you’ll use it less and less often in the early drafts of your work. 

One story level item that I want to mention is the fantasy element. You mentioned that it comes along later, and I’m not sure if that means as soon as chapter 2 or much later. Typically, to satisfy reader expectations and orient your reader to the story you want to tell, it’s best to give them the level of reality up front. I would recommend checking this out so that it doesn’t feel like a cheat or deus ex machina to the reader. 

Thanks again for sharing the opening of The Left-Handed Gunslinger with us!

All the best,

Leslie

 

Line Edits for Our Western Fantasy Story

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Ep. 112: Flashbacks

In this episode, fiction editors Leslie and Clark critique the first chapter of The Fifty-Two Week Chronicles, a chick lit/romantic comedy novel by Joslyn Westbrook. They discuss flashbacks, getting specific, and obtaining feedback when you write about characters and situations that are different from your own. This week’s editorial mission will help you decide if flashbacks are right for your story and how to employ them effectively.

 Flashbacks by Leslie Watts at writership.com.

 

Listen to the Writership Podcast

This episode contains strong adult language.

 

Wise Words on Flashbacks

A writer always pays a price for flashbacks. Any flashback, no matter how well written or interesting, will distance your reader from the action. This is because flashbacks shatter the illusion that the reader is a fly on the wall, witnessing events as they happen, right now. The flashback is not happening right now—it is, by definition, already over. Are you more thrilled by a kiss you experience today or one you remember from a year ago? Flashbacks are not as immediate as story time. Even so, the flashback can be a good choice for a second scene if you gain more in depth and clarity than you lose in immediacy.
— Nancy Kress

 

Mentioned in the Show

If you want to follow Penelope’s adventures, you can grab a copy of The Fifty-Two Week Chronicles here.

Emma Darwin has a great post on flashbacks here.

This post contains information about hiring sensitivity readers and a great source for finding them.

Find out about our NEW book club here!

Check out Clark’s 90 Day Healthy Author Challenge here.

 

Editorial Mission—Flashback to the Future

Flashbacks, like other narrative choices, come with advantages and disadvantages. You’ll best serve your story by understanding what those are and making an intentional choice, in this case, to weigh the depth, clarity, and emotional power against the loss of immediacy and interruption of the story. 

Flashbacks are great because you can convey information in a more immediate way with more emotion than can generally be conveyed by summary/telling alone. The problem is that these events are outside the main story and have already happened, so the only way they have impact is by way of revelation or reflection. 

If you have a flashback in a story you’re revising, consider why you’re using it. Are you worried about writing a full-fledged scene or weaving the details into the narrative? If not, check your scene using the questions below to see if it works. If you’re considering a flashback, you can check your motives and use the same questions. 

  1. Does your flashback follow a strong scene?
     
  2. Is it related to the scene it follows (or the one in which it arises)? What is immediately relevant and necessary to the story?
     
  3. Is there a logical trigger in present story time that would naturally lead the character to think about the past?
     
  4. Are time and place clear? Have you provided a smooth transition from the present to the past and back again?
     
  5. Does it add something to the story that can’t be added in another way?
     
  6. Have you focused on a discrete event that supports the story arc? 

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Editing Advice to Our Author

Dear Joslyn,

Thanks so much for your submission! Penelope is a witty and entertaining character with a strong voice and personality. I can tell from the opening that the reader will be in for plenty of fun shenanigans.

Your opening gave us a great opportunity to talk about flashbacks. They are a great tool because they provide an emotional punch and immediacy that you don’t get from a summary or telling of past events. But flashbacks are not without their downsides, and it’s important know our intentions and when best to use them.  

Of course, it’s important to begin your story with a strong hook, which you have here—your story starts with a bang! The drawback is that it seems to require extensive explanation of events outside of Penelope’s main story arc. We get the most from a flashback when they follow a powerful scene in the main story. This makes me wonder if there is another spot on Penelope’s timeline to begin the story that avoids your having to share so much backstory right away.

I didn’t have to look very far to find a scene that could kick this story off in a big way in the present: walking in on her boyfriend in flagrante delicto. That is a powerful scene that would support a trip back in time. The current story begins sometime later in the same day, so it’s not a big change. This scene warrants a sentence or two in summary (rather than in scene) within the current opening chapter (more may be revealed later, of course), and I think you could use this event to your advantage. 

This makes me wonder why an author might want to avoid that scene. Scott Edelstein in his book 30 Steps to Becoming a Writer thinks that authors sometimes use flashbacks to avoid tackling big scenes. I’m not saying this is what’s happened here, but it’s something to consider. The most detailed portions of the flashback deal with Penelope getting the job, and I wonder if this is the most relevant backstory for the start of the beginning hook. Based on what's in front of us, it seems like the breakup is what throws her life into chaos. 

Another reason we might use flashback, according to Emma Darwin, in her post referenced in the show notes is that we’re worried about weaving the backstory into current events. I don’t know if that’s the case, but again, it’s worth looking at. It can seem easier to write about past events and present events separately, but often the story flows more smoothly and the reader has a richer experience when it’s woven together. It’s the same with fantasy or science fiction stories when it feels vital to give the reader information about a world that is different from our own all at once.

For flashbacks, we should always consider whether the reader needs to know this information and whether it needs to be right away. Does it reveal stakes, motive, context? It’s useful to review this in the context of the entire story. It’s good to remember that open questions are powerful fuel to pull the reader forward, so even if it turns out that the flashback is the best way to reveal this information, we might not want to reveal everything all at once. 

Finally, flashbacks tend to work best when they are short interludes. With a lengthy flashback, we lose the immediacy of the main story, which is interrupted. The main event is on hold, and any tension we’ve built up could drain quickly. If that happens often, it can produce a jarring effect for the reader.

This is a lot to consider for a book that you’ve already published. I would read these comments and suggestions as food for thought and things to consider for the next story you write. You could make changes to this one, but please realize that you already have a powerful opening for your story that pulls the reader into the narrative. 

Thank you for trusting us with your words!

All the best,

Leslie

Line Edits for Our Romantic Comedy Story

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