Photo by Mathias Reding on Unsplash
In the day 18 post, I offered some thoughts on crafting opening lines. In the day 32 post, I broke down three types of opening lines (focus on action, character, or story world) from three stories to identify the elements communicated to the reader. In this post, I’ll use details from my own story idea to craft opening lines based on the examples.
Here are a few of caveats: First, this exercise is not exactly like comparing apples to apples because my story’s premise and essence are different from those of the example stories. Also, my story idea will be realistic historical fiction, and the example stories are fantasy stories. Finally, the story examples would be considered middle grade fiction, and my story’s main audience will be adults. These differences will mean I need to make subtle alterations in the execution of the lines. Still, it’s been a useful exercise to see what’s emphasized in the examples and what it would be for my story idea.
Action: A sailing master was endeavoring to stay alert on a starless night.
This line captures the essence of the action-focused opening. It introduces a character (who is not the main protagonist) engaged in a specific action with a goal, and sets the scene (dark night at sea). The use of endeavoring implies a struggle, which creates tension. It's concise and (I hope) intriguing, much like the dragon example from Wings of Fire, “A dragon was trying to hide in the storm.”
To suggest the stakes more clearly because it’s not fully evident from the line as written, I might revise the sentence this way: A sailing master was endeavoring to stay alert on a starless Caribbean night, aware that a moment's lapse could doom the convoy.
Character: This story begins in the quarters of the Commander-in-Chief of His Majesty's Ships and Vessels in the West Indies in Kingston, Jamaica, with the delivery of Admiralty orders to a ship's commander. A newly promoted commander. The most junior commander and the only one available to escort fifty-six merchant ships across the Atlantic Ocean to Great Britain.
This character-focused opening closely mirrors the structure of The Tale of Despereaux example. “This story begins within the walls of a castle with the birth of a mouse. A small mouse. The last mouse born to his parents and the only one of his litter to be born alive.”
It introduces the setting, the inception of the story about to be told (delivery of orders), and key information about the protagonist. The relevant quality of the character is not his physical stature, but his inexperience in this role. The repetition of "commander" emphasizes this role, similar to the repetition of mouse in the original example. The role of a commander is to carry out orders (commands or orders that are given to him) and to command his subordinates (including junior officers and sailors and the merchant captains). Lawford is struggling with this at the outset as the merchant captains do not follow orders, and as a result, he is unable to carry out the orders that kick off the story.
Story World: In the Caribbean Sea during the French Revolutionary Wars, where rogue winds and strong currents could send a ship off track on a dark night and French patrols lie in wait for unfortunate vessels, it is quite unfortunate to be the commander escorting a large convoy in a small, fifth-rate frigate. It is well established that the mission could fail for a dozen different reasons, any of which will be blamed on you and adjudicated at a court martial.
This opening adapts the style of the Howl's Moving Castle example: “In the land of Ingary, where such things as seven-league boots and cloaks of invisibility really exist, it is quite a misfortune to be born the eldest of three. Everyone knows you are the one who will fail first, and worst, if the three of you set out to seek your fortunes.”
This opening establishes the setting, time period, and key challenges of the story world. The use of second-person perspective in the second sentence closely mirrors the original example, putting the reader in the protagonist's shoes.
These are what I would call strong working drafts and not final products. As I’ve written before, we usually nail down the opening lines of a story near the end of the work because it must hook the reader while promising the entire story in a (usually) concise sentence or paragraph (but see the opening of A Tale of Two Cities by Charles Dickens).
I’m still at the very beginning of planning the Wreck of the Ten Sail story idea, and there are many things to work out before I begin drafting. Still, if I can compose opening lines that capture the essence of the story I want to tell, this is great way to focus my planning efforts and help me to stay on course.
When looking for great models of opening lines for my story in particular, I would look at historical nautical fiction, especially stories that deal with salvage operations or heists which are similar in form (e.g., Hornblower and the Atropos by C.S. Forester and Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson), but also stories in other genres with salvage or redemption themes (e.g., Mistborn: The Final Empire by Brandon Sanderson or The Little Paris Book Shop by Nina George). I would also analyze my favorite stories, especially those that were compelling to me right from the start, even if they are quite different from my story (e.g., The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, 2 A.M. at the Cat’s Pajamas by Marie-Helene Bertino, or Black Swan Green by David Mitchell).
Wreck of the Ten Sail story development posts can be found here: day 10, day 11, day 12, day 13, day 19, day 21, day 26, and day 27.
As you read these posts on how I’m developing my story idea, consider how I’m thinking through the problems of understanding what I want to express in the story and planning the story elements so I can write a coherent draft. The process is much more useful than my specific results.
This post is part of a 75-day writing challenge and experiment. From September 9 through November 22, I'll be posting daily thoughts on writing, storytelling, and creativity based on recent readings or reflections. While my intention was to keep them very short—250 to 400 words—I've found that this range doesn't give me enough space to cover these topics adequately. I aim to keep them brief enough to be read quickly, but they will often be longer than 400 words.
At the end of the challenge, I will organize and revise the material with intention. For now, the object is to explore and share.